Welcoming Ella Ann; A Mother's Journey Through Loss | Louisville and Southern Indiana Newborn Photographer
The loss of a child is something no parent should ever have to experience. Multiple losses is utterly incomprehensible. This family has endured great pain and loss, but through it all have kept their eyes fixed on Jesus, surrendering their doubts, worries and fears and in turn receiving a beautiful redemptive story.
I know there are many reading this right now that understand this nightmare.. This pain that no-one should have to endure. And I am so sorry. I pray that by this brave mother sharing her family’s story that others can find comfort, encouragement, and strength to keep going.
I am honored and humbled that Amber would allow me to share her story. She has opened herself up vulnerably, sharing some of the most personal and sacred moments of her life, hoping that it can help even one other mother who has experienced loss. You aren’t alone.
Thank you, Amber, for sharing your heart and the work that God has done in your life. You are truly an inspiration to so many.
“Your birth yesterday was a Gift from God, the source of all blessings. Your arrival is cause for much joy and happiness for your entire family.”
(Letter written to Ella, from her Grandpa))
When Kelly asked if I would be willing to share the birth story of our sweet Ella Ann I immediately knew I wanted to take this opportunity to share our journey. I did not realize, however, just how hard it would be to concisely share our story while also finding a way to relay some of the important details that continue to impact our hearts in the deepest places. Kelly graciously gave me permission to make this as long as I felt led, but even with that freedom it has still been difficult to find a way to share this piece of our lives in a way that would most likely touch those who read it; because there’s nothing more on earth that I want than for God to use our story in the lives of others. So, bear with me as I take you along on the journey that led to the birth of our girl.
I never thought I would look at a pregnancy test and be anything but excited and overjoyed. Yet, here I was on May 4, 2018 looking at a pregnancy test with a whole host of emotions crowding for attention. Yes, there was excitement at this unexpected development. Unfortunately there was also anxiety, emotional fatigue, and a reminder that this positive test was merely an indication of what could be and not a guarantee of what was to come. These are the myriad emotions one experiences when looking at a positive pregnancy test for the 4th time in the span of 14 months. In 2017 I would be pregnant 3 times in the very short time period of 10 months. That fact in and of itself is enough to convey the weight of grief my husband and I walked through that year. Unfortunately, there’s more to the story that especially added to the burden that I carried with each loss. My body would endure 2 missed miscarriages, which is where the baby dies but the body does not actually miscarry the baby at the time of the baby’s death. In the first pregnancy I would go a full 10 weeks carrying the hope of new life growing in me only to find out on an ultrasound that the baby had died approximately four weeks prior. I felt betrayed by my own body for not resolving the pregnancy as it was supposed to, leaving me to live in false hope. The miscarriage eventually took place on its own, starting on Mother’s day of 2017.
The second pregnancy came not long after with a positive pregnancy test in August. This time we would get the opportunity to see our precious baby alive and well on an ultrasound at 8 weeks, and get to see his or her little heart strongly beating away…just as it should. Within days of that ultrasound my pregnancy symptoms would resolve and disappear, leading to another ultrasound at 10 weeks that would reveal this sweet one had died only days after we saw him or her alive and well. I wrestled with anger towards God for letting us have false hope by seeing our baby alive and then taking that life so soon after. I struggled to decide the best way to resolve the pregnancy knowing the medical options available but being unable to forget the ultrasound picture that showed the form of our baby’s body. I pleaded with God to allow us to have closure in a way that preserved that tiny human body, as well as the dignity of humanity he/she carried. When my body would finally go through the process of miscarriage naturally a week later on October 1st, God would bless my husband and I with the ability to lay eyes on our sweet baby’s body, wrap him/her in a baby blanket, and give this little one the proper burial that signified the beauty and value of his/her short life. While my anger toward God at the circumstances of this baby’s life and death did not fully resolve, I did find myself in awe that I had the rare opportunity to see my baby alive as well as being able to tenderly lay him/her to rest. It was one of the most intimate gifts I have ever received in my life in the midst of such great loss.
At the end of November, 3 1/2 weeks after the last miscarriage, we would see our 3rd positive pregnancy test. This time I would be hurdled onto a hellish roller coaster of emotions when I started bleeding a few short days after this positive test. What would follow was 2 weeks of frequent doctor’s appointments and blood tests that one moment would fill me with hope that things may actually be ok alternating with a crash of despair that the death of another baby was looming. I would eventually be diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy but this diagnosis would be called into question when lab results revealed my body wasn’t responding to conservative treatment. After being called in with my husband to meet with our OB (this detail actually was traumatic for me), a new running diagnosis of a molar pregnancy (which is where malformed fetal and placental tissue can actually start producing cancerous cells that can possibly spread to other parts of the body) would be presented and an exploratory laparoscopy quickly scheduled. For a number of reasons (some obvious and some not mentioned in this blog) I went through significant emotional turmoil regarding this potential cancer diagnosis. I would receive some relief with a final definitive diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy (a paradox in itself—how can there actually be relief at the news of another baby’s death?), but this would be short lived and lead into an intense season of anxiety that was a result of a mixture of trauma related to the the third pregnancy and hormones run amok from so many pregnancies in a short period of time, not to mention the fact of 3 pregnancy losses itself.
Going into 2018 my husband and I wisely decided on taking a break from trying to get pregnant. Personally, I needed this time to let my body heal but the intense anxiety I was experiencing made the timing less than ideal for attempting pregnancy. I also felt I needed to work through with God the possibility that His design was for us to have one child naturally, and that we were only meant to be a family of 3, or adoption was His intent for adding to our trio. My anxiety had significantly improved but not fully resolved by the time of that final, unexpected and certainly unplanned positive pregnancy test on May 4th of last year. It probably goes without saying that the remainder of 2018 was emotionally up and down as we watched my body tenuously for signs that this pregnancy was progressing or potentially gearing up for another loss.
You might be wondering if there’s a purpose in sharing all these details (if you’re still reading, thank you for honoring my journey by sticking around to the end!). One simple reason—redemption. I want people to know that in all the death, loss, grief, struggle and anxiety that was part of my life in 2017 is the picture of redemption that God is showing all of us over and over in our lives. Just as sin entered the world causing death and brokenness, 3 pregnancy losses brought death and revelation of brokenness in so many different ways in my own life (besides the already obvious physical death of our precious babies). Just as God sent redemption through Jesus to counter all the physical and spiritual death we see in life, God redeemed each of those losses in my life one way or another. The obvious redemption would be sweet Ella, but He redeemed in so many other ways than this. I could write a book with the specific lessons He taught along the way (I’m hoping to find a forum sometime soon where I can share those lessons!). God never intended for babies to die before they could ever take a breath outside of the womb, but He is certainly capable of redeeming this painful reality and even bringing something beautiful from it. In my case it was significant personal and spiritual growth and, eventually, sweet Ella Ann.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4